How soon should you ask for a second date?

There is no perfect time to ask for a second date. Every situation is different but there are some guidelines to consider. First, you need to understand your dating goals and those of your date. Second, you must assess how your first date went from both of your perspectives. Third, you should communicate how you thought your date went. Finally, you are now ready to ask for the second date, if you still want one.

The First Date Scenario

Let’s say that you are having coffee with a woman whom you know casually. This kind of date is an excellent first date because it is low risk in terms of money, time and commitment. As the sands of time are running out on your first date, you consider if you should ask her out now or wait a bit.

The pressure is starting to build. You aren’t sure what to say. You don’t want to sound desperate or appear foolish. Maybe you should just write your thoughts down later and send her a text. But does she even want a second date, and if so, what kind of date?

You uncomfortably make small talk as you leave the shop together. But suddenly, you realize that in all your inner perplexity, you have left your cell phone on the coffee shop table and your wallet with the cashier. So, you awkwardly say goodbye and rush back to the coffee shop, wondering if you “just blew it”.

Understanding each person’s dating goals
The two most basic dating goals are to have fun and to get to know each other better. You want to see if you two are compatible, if that you are interested in each other and if you have any kind of a future together. Aside from these basic goals, you may have additional needs, desires and goals, such as you’re really hungry and you want a nice meal, or you’re bored and you want to see an exciting movie, or perhaps you’re lonely and you just want somebody to accompany you.

You have many goals, many desires, and many needs. Thus, you have to understand how your date can help you fulfill those needs and in the same way, you want to try to make your best guess as to how you are fulfilling the needs, wants and desires of the woman you are dating.

Remember that dating is always a two-way street. She is seeking something from you just as you are seeking something from her. While it’s true that most people really don’t examine their lives this carefully, it will help you greatly, if you can understand yourself and the person you’re dating.

Assessing your first date

You need to think about how the first date went. Did you have fun and did your date have fun? If you two didn’t have fun, whose fault was that and is it fixable? Remember that a bad first date can still lead to a good second date. Likewise, a great first date may come to nothing.

Did you find that the more know discovered about her, the more attractive she seemed? Did she show clear signs that she was attracted to you, such as copying your body language, laughing with you, and touching you? These are signs of a great first date. Generally, the more open, affectionate, and attractive she is, the sooner you should ask her out.

On the other hand, maybe you felt something was off during the date. Perhaps you found there were some emotional blocks and that she didn’t really want to reveal too much about herself? Maybe the more you got to know her, the less you actually liked her. Or possibly she seemed to be testing you on some hidden variables. If so, you need to consider if a second date is really something you want to pursue. There is certainly no hurry to get that second date.

Communicating how the date went

After you have done your best to judge the date, you need to communicate how the date went in a polite, yet honest way. If the date is going really well, you should probably share your opinion before your first date ends. I recommend that you find subtle ways to talk about the date itself so you can get feedback from the woman on how she thinks the first date is going. This can be as simple as saying, “I’m really glad we got together for coffee” (or whatever) and listening to what she says in reply. If both of you think that the date is going well, this might be a good time to pursue another date.

If you feel the date isn’t going well, it won’t hurt to mention this during that date or afterward. Either the woman will be happy you were the first to point out the obvious, or she may encourage you with the opinion that the date is fine for her. This is level of transparency is not required since most people don’t like the possibility of conflict or awkwardness. On the other hand, this one tactic may be the thing that gets you a second date.

Supposing that you feel that’s uncomfortable to talk directly about a date to your date on a date, then there is another excellent way for a gentleman to give feedback. The same night or the next day, you should write a short text message explaining how you thought the date went. Even if you don’t want to talk directly about going on a second date, you can give a short affirmation such as, “Hey, I really enjoyed our date last night.”

On the other hand, if you know you don’t want to go on another date with that person – don’t ignore her and make her wonder what happened. Instead, the polite thing to do is send a text message the next day. You can say, “I appreciate our time together yesterday at the coffee shop (or whatever) but unfortunately I think that we are not a good match.” You don’t need to directly say that you won’t date her again. Just communicate that the date didn’t work out and you are moving on. Be careful not to make her feel like she’s the guilty party or that she’s done something wrong and that she is a failure. Again, be polite, don’t blame and shame.

Option 1: During the first date

As mentioned earlier, a good time to ask for a second date is during the first date- if you feel that she is giving you positive signals that she wants to be with you. How would you know that? Well, let’s say she’s touching you your arm, she’s straightening your tie, or she’s putting her hands through your hair. Physical touch is an excellent sign that she’s into you. So are compliments, gifts, and offers of help.

On the contrary, if she complains a lot about life, her family, or her ex-boyfriends that’s usually a clear sign this would not be a great time to talk about a second date. Sometimes the mood is just not right to ask for a date. If you still want another date you would be better off waiting a while before asking.

Option 2: The next day or two

Waiting a day or two is a fine way to ask for a second date, especially if you are a little bit unsure of what you want to say. Maybe you need to think about a plan for a second date based on the information you’ve gained from your first date. Possibly, you want to give her a little time to think things over. Just be sure to send her a text that night or the next day saying something as basic as “Had a great time last night. Talk to you soon.” Then, follow up in a day or two with your plan for the next date.

Option 3: Within a week

You might wait from three days or more. This shows that you are not very interested in a second date or that you are incredibly busy. Take as much time as you need but be considerate of the woman’s feelings as she is supposed to wait for your lead.

Be careful that you’re not playing a waiting game with her. Some guys trying to get women to be nervous and fearful or worried so that when they do call, the unfortunate female will agree to anything. It is true that some women are too proud for their own good, but I wouldn’t suggest trying to manipulate or humble them. Just move on to find somebody who fits you better.

Now, it could be that you find it better to wait for several days especially if you’re not sure what your plans are. Sometimes, we have periods in our lives where we don’t have the time, the money, or the emotional reserves required to frequently date. Even then, I would recommend you send her a note after the date or sometime during the week about your situation. Let her know that you can’t make any plans right now because of the heavy demands in your life but when things settle down you will/may contact her.

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