Can dating an ex work out?

Yes, dating your ex can work out but it’s not easy. You must identify why the relationship failed the first time and fix the earlier problems. Don’t get back together unless you have confidence that both of you are willing to pay the price for a better relationship.

Advantages of dating an ex

Maybe they changed
First off, there’s always a hope that whatever the problems were in the past, now the situation will be different. In fact, often there are only just one or two major problems that created the failure of the original relationship. And if you can just resolve those big problems, then the good times will be back again. That’s actually a lot more promising than when you meet a new person.

Quicker level of intimacy
Another advantage of dating your ex is that you’re already familiar with each other. That lets you establish a deeper level of intimacy much faster than with most strangers. This is one of the biggest draws of dating an ex- you already understand each other and don’t have to fumble around.

The devil you know
Also, there’s that idea that you already know this person’s problems and you are prepared to accept them or to deal with them. You’ve seen this person at their worst and you willing to take them back. On the other hand, when you begin a new relationship, it takes a great deal of time to see somebody as they really are.

Disadvantages of dating an ex

Maybe they haven’t changed
The first problem is that maybe the other person hasn’t changed. Or perhaps the difficulty is that you haven’t changed. If the original relationship problems remain the same and both of you remain unchanged, then you’re going to go back to the same irreconcilable differences you had before.

Addictive Habits
A lot of times relationships fail because one or both of the partners have very addictive habits such as cheating gambling drugs alcohol and abuse. These addictive habits are very difficult to break and so if you had if your ex has one of these problems (or even worse if you have one of these problems) it’s very difficult to overcome these addictive habits. While it is true that people can change, this is something you really should see evidence of before you come back to your ex.

Personality Issues
If your ex had problems before such as narcissism, being manipulative, or in general being a psycho, then the person is probably going to still have these problems if you come back to them. Again, people can change, but it’s more likely that they’re going to go right back to the way they were before after a while.

Signs your ex wants you back

Just because you want to get back to your ex that doesn’t mean your ex wants you back. Let’s consider the signs that your ex actually is interested in getting back with you.

Still texting you
One good sign is that your ex is still texting. A top FBI hostage negotiator says that as long as someone keeps talking with you, you have leverage (ie. they want something from you). Conversely, if your ex has ghosted you, that’s also a clear sign that they don’t want to get back together.

Being vulnerable
Another sign that your ex is still interested is when they revealing personal information that you could use to hurt them if you really wanted to. This level of trust, even after breaking up, is showing that they’re investing in you and hoping to draw you back into a relationship.

Asking about you
When your ex is still trying to find out personal information such as your dating life, they may be trying to signal their continued interest in a relationship with you. Conversely, sometimes your ex will talk about dating other people, but they’re really trying to make you jealous so that you fight to get them back.

Talking about the good times
When your ex stops complaining about you, and instead starts talking about all the great times you had in the past, that is a clear sign that they are getting over the pain and brokenness of the past relationships. This is a clear sign that they want to get back to those best parts and they want to get back to dating you.

Examine why you want your ex back

Before you decide to date your ex, you need to consider why it is you want to get back with your ex. After all, breaking up is very painful. There must have been very strong reasons why you broke up, so you need to remember these and consider why you would go back and risk this kind of trouble again.

Perhaps you’re feeling very alone. You really enjoyed being a couple and now that you are single again, you feel very empty and lonely. Perhaps you’re not really longing for this specific ex-partner; any reasonably good partner would fulfill your need. So you need to consider if your ex is really the solution or perhaps a new boyfriend/girlfriend would be fine.

Another reason you may want to get back with your ex is that you are afraid to meet new people. It’s can be very painful just as it is looking for a new job life is full of rejection and unfortunate comparisons. It might be better to enlist the aid of your friends in meeting new people to date.

Hooking up
Perhaps your feeling to get back with your ex is just purely a sexual desire. You believe that although the differences are irreconcilable, there is still a strong sexual chemistry that draws you to them. Perhaps you can put up with them for a while as they satisfy your physical desires. If that’s true, your hope of getting back is probably going to be a long-term failure even as you’re satisfying your short-term needs.

Advice for making it work

Assuming that you have weighed the pros and the cons and have you decided that you definitely want to date your ex, let’s begin to look at the best ways to make that relationship work out.

Go slow
The first important thing to do is to go slowly. Although it’s very tempting to jump right into the original level of intimacy you had before, that’s usually a big mistake and the reason why your new relationship will fail again. Instead, you need to work out the problems that the relationship had and you need to establish some boundaries. After you’re able to confirm that there really are changes in the relationship, then it can proceed to a successful level.

After a relationship fails, there’s usually a lot of unhappiness or bitter feelings. For the new relationship to be successful, you’re going to have to either forgive the person for their faults or you need to ask forgiveness for your faults. Often you need to do both. This will establish a much stronger and clean foundation for a long-lasting relationship with your ex.

Be realistic
Additionally, you need to honestly consider what changes are going to be necessary for your success. Well it’s the fantasy of getting back and having the good times return is tempting, you need to be realistic and examine what is the price you’re going to have to pay to create that successful relationship. Are you both willing to pay the price?

Mutual respect
Every good relationship is based on respect. You need to treat the other person the way you would like to be treated. We call that the Golden Rule. Almost every relationship fails because people neglect to follow the Golden Rule. If you can identify where you have failed to show respect and then continually show that respect, then the relationship will likely succeed.

Avoid destructive patterns
It’s essential that both of you not avoid behaviors that lead to hurting the relationship before. For example, if you are a person who beats your girlfriend and you usually do that after drinking too much, then you need to make a commitment to not drink too much. If you’re a woman who flirts at parties ends up making inappropriate relationships with other men, then you need to break that habit of flirting at parties and perhaps not going to parties.

Create a common vision
The biggest reason relationships don’t work out is that you don’t have enough in common. You are attracted to the differences in each other but those same differences end up repelling each other. For you to stay together, you need to create a common vision of the relationship you want, where you can take care of each other and nurture each other in a way that both of you are happy and satisfied. If both of you are pulling in different directions then the relationship is going to fall apart once again.

Get friends and family on board

The last important advice is to get your family and friends on board with your relationship. If your family and friends are against your ex, then relationships going to have great difficulty. In fact, often your friends are a better judge of the relationship success than you are because they’re more objective. They can see how the relationship has affected you in the past and how mature you currently are and if ready to begin a second shot. If you can convince them that dating your ex can work out, then you should go for it and give this relationship Your Best Shot.

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2 Responses

  1. TYP says:

    Interesting to learn from you about getting back with our ex. The good feeling we had with our ex can be very motivating and remind us the good times we had together.
    Some our imagination may distort our judgement, especially when come to relationship. Our mind may think of the good image and wanted to have it again.
    I would suggest to go forward and contact our ex, and see how the relationship going to be. If the other party has no more interest on you, just move on. Otherwise, get back together and explore new relationship if both parties feel good about it.

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